raw material to shape our art
a plug for my newest pubbed work: 'badfish, don’t bother me'
I’ve been putting off this newsletter for two weeks; I’ve had nothing to say. Or rather—everything I want to say feels way too vulnerable and half-baked for my monthly newsletter on Substack. I used to be an oversharing diva on the internet, and honestly, I feel the renaissance coming. Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be a reality star. Internet, will you see me?!
The oversharing begins with the most vulnerable piece I’ve ever published, a piece I’ve been working on for over 10 years (I mean it), which just so happened to be published the first day of Scorpio season.
Instead of writing something new this month, I’m going to ask that you read this piece on losing my ex to suicide and addiction.
This essay was once longer (it’s now two essays), and I have dissected every line, every comma placement. The ending itself took me about eight years to realize, and two more years to craft into just the right words. I have changed some sentences so many times I have them memorized; I have mothered it through something like 15 rejections. And I never stopped believing it would find its place. Here it is, pubbed in my dream publication—The Rumpus—home to some of my absolute favorite writers’ works (and my favorite column ever, Dear Sugar).
It is slightly unnerving for this piece to be out in the world after all this time spent on my laptop. The event I detail affected a lot of people in my small world back in 2010; it’s one of the most universally taboo, fragile topics in general. I have worked tirelessly to do it justice.
I can only pray it will find the right hands; I can only hope you will like it. <3
scorpio szn rec.
The Haunting of Hill House by Shirley Jackson
I read this for the first time last year and vowed to read it each October. This novel is so good it makes me want to carry it around and read it aloud, shouting at people about how much I love it. Highly recommend for people that enjoy psychological horror, but as someone who never reads the horror genre, I really fell in love with this because of the writing and character development. Also, the queer undertones.
Basic plot is this: four strangers meet at a haunted house, called there by an occult scholar studying the lore. Some irl spooky stuff does ensue, but the greater terror occurs in the characters’ psyche. Hill House combines psychological thriller and horror elements; it’s a ghost story, but where are the ghosts?
Sidenote: it’s nothing like the inspired Netflix series. The novel is slower, less “scary,” more character-driven. If anyone else has a similar obsession with this novel, plz DM me.
This pair of camo cargos that I’ve worn too many times since I got them.
My new cutting mat for collages and lil exacto knife set!! I am slowly making my apartment an art studio that I get to live in. The other day a friend saw it for the first time and described it as a “dreamy museum in NY or something,” which I’m also obsessed with.
Brat remix album. If you think brat is overrated, this is not a safe space for you—and also, there is still time to change your mind. I was once you. SOMEHOW Charli xcx made a perfect album liiiiterally even better. Top tracks: everything is romantic with caroline polachek, girl, so confusing with lorde (obvi), apple ft japanese house, club classics ft bb tricks, and I think about it all the time ft bon iver.
The espresso machine I bought myself—a prouder moment than when I bought a brand new car.
This quote from queen Chani Nicholas, which I will make my mantra this season: “Avoid the allure of unnecessary drama and make art out of high-voltage feelings instead.” It reminds me of an IG post I think about nearly every day that you can find here.
Thank you for reading. Please share my essay published above on your social media. Reads and clicks on a piece in a literary magazine are a writer’s LIFELINE. And if you got it like that, consider paying $5 a month to support my work on Substack! Love you.